magellaniccloud

new job

2009-12-29T16:32:56Z

I have a new job, and I like it. The people here are nice and the work is stimulating, but not impossible - at least so far.

But it's so godforsaken COLD in here! WHY?! I have cold air blasting down on my desk from an overhead vent. I have a (contraband) heater under my desk but it can't compete with the deep freeze coming from above. Can someone please explain to me why companies do this? Why do they blast cold air through the HVAC when it's 52 degrees outside? Why Why Why? It's somewhat tolerable with my wool winter coat on and my mittens on, but how am I supposed to work like this? *sigh*

Anyway...

I'm officially back on the WeightWatchers wagon. I started tracking my Points today. Brutal! I gained quite a bit over the past few months. I knew it was happening, but due to the stress, I just couldn't handle dieting. Well, time to get back with the program. My clothes are all tight. My goal is to lose 15 lbs. But let's start with this week. 1 lb by next Monday. 1 pound. I can do that. 6 days to go.

Day 2 of new job

2009-12-15T22:06:53Z

It is so weird working someplace new! I keep feeling like this is temporary and I'll be going back "home" to Monogram any day now. But... Monogram is like an old lover that I still have love for but with I know it just can't work out. All the same, I miss my friends. I miss my comfort level - which work-wise wasn't there anymore anyway. *sigh*

I'm excited about the work here, but it hasn't started yet. I'm in the I'm-a-complete-idiot-because-I'm-new phase. It's weird. How do consultants jump into these situations quickly? I can't say as I'm eager to become an expert too quickly though - it'll be nice to coast a bit first.

The people here seem pretty nice, and it's great having old coworkers around. Rev's former boss is pretty cool too, but she takes a strange tone with me - does she think she's a lot older than me? Not sure what's up.

It's kinda cool walking around at lunchtime and getting to know the neighborhood. I found a Starbuck's today, and it's quite a trek, but worth it! There are sandwiches available there, too, which makes it a worthwhile lunch walk. Tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday, I have stuff going on, so I won't be able to do much exploring, but I look forward to doing more next week. I'm finding little gems here and there. Apparently there's a Subway just a block or two away, and apparently the museum across the street has some good salads.

I have to say, it's nice having an excuse for being useless.

For real, though, I wish I understood why it has to be so damn cold in here. I'm off to fill my hotpot with hot water for some tea.

Later...

sigh

2009-12-03T19:43:42Z

Yeah, I know, I knew this was coming all along. I knew rev was going to start back with the drugs and we would go back to where we were - he doesn't want to see me and I barely hear from him. And so it goes.

I'm wondering about my birthday. We're supposed to go out to dinner on my 40th birthday this Saturday. I know he will show up, but I wonder if he will want me to go straight home afterward. Probably. Especially since I can't even get high with him these days, since I'm starting a new job in a week and may be drug tested.

OK. At least I know what to expect. And hey, if I get sent home, there's nothing wrong with an evening in with the cats.

This was my choice to make this plan. I had all pertinent information at that time, and this was the decision I made. I will plug forward with a good attitude. It's not worth beating myself up.

And hey, the good news is, I do know he will show up for dinner. At least I'm pretty sure.

Maybe I can plan something fun during the day. Or not. I'm having a big party the night before and a big party the day after, so maybe my birthday will just be a day of rest. It's hard to imagine not having much going on on the actual day though.

Funny. That would be ideal for rev. And horrifically lonely for me.

Ah, crap. Again. I did this, fully knowing that rev could very well be back in this phase by the time my birthday rolled around.

It is what it is. And it's not what it's not.

odd woman out

2009-11-28T20:19:04Z

Every year, I go with a bunch of friends to Tahoe for Thanksgiving and stay in a rented house. This year is great - fantastic, huge, "castle" house, great friends, great food, great cooperation, and great weather. Everything so far has gone as expected and I really love the people here.

This year is different, though, because I am the only single adult. Three of the women here are pregnant, 2 couples are engaged to be married, and there are 2 kids running around. I do feel a little ... odd.

However comfortable I am with my single status, this is still a little weird. While the couples are cozying up by the fireplace, playfully sparring in the various games going on or relaxing in the hottub, I am conspicuously unpaired. Everyone is very inclusive with me, but I still am a bit uncomfortable. There's that weird vibe that I get in such situations, like everyone is trying to figure out what my problem is, why I'm not hooked up. And there's this underlying feeling that I get that everyone else's lives are moving forward and that mine is not. I guess that's the biggest thing here. The absolute worst, though, is feeling a bit of pity coming my way from these friends. That absolutely sucks.

Anyway, I know that this is just the way it is, that I need to just accept my status, even in this situation, and plug forward. The question has come to me, though, of whether I am done with this event - will I do this next year?

Oh sure, there's always the possibility that I could have a boyfriend by next year, but given my history, it just doesn't seem likely. And besides that, as people start bringing their kids, it becomes more about the chaos around the kids than it is about adults getting together, relaxing and having fun (and acting like kids).

So I dunno. Maybe next year I'll plan a separate thing with just a couple of friends - single friends like Toad and Cake. I am having fun with everyone, but I don't like the way I am feeling right now. I'm not one of this group anymore - I don't fit in. I feel lonely in a group of 13 friends. It's weird - I don't think I would feel better if I'd stayed home - I'd still be lonely. It's just that here's a situation that has always made me feel good in the past, and it's not the same anymore.

Maybe I'm just jealous, but how can I help that? They all have something I always thought I wanted. They get to have it, and I do not. I have what I need - I have MORE than what I need, but they have what I have plus more.

They have love.

reminder

2009-11-20T19:37:22Z

Sometimes I forget that when I'm really missing rev that what's actually wrong is within myself. I wouldn't need him so much if I was ok with myself. So I guess I should look at that. I mean, I'm bored, especially at work, since I'm going to be changing jobs soon. And of course, there's anxiety that goes along with that. I guess I need to work on getting more centered and letting the stress go.

But what I really want is a hug. :-(

Yeah, sometimes it's very hard to be "single". For TnT, again, I'm the only one going uncoupled. It's never really an issue, but there are some lonely moments. I have to remind myself at times that as lonely as "single" can be, being in the wrong couple is always lonlier. My friends' relationships are all good, solid, and enviable, though. And me, well, I'm ... in limbo.

I was telling my trainer yesterday about Nico. He asked why the relationship ended. I told him that I started feeling suffocated, and realized he was way more into me than I was into him, and that I couldn't in good conscience go to France and meet his friends and family on his dime when I knew I wasn't committed. Greg asked me how much of that had to do with rev. And the answer is... a lot. rev was different during that time. When we had sex he would stare into my eyes. He was cuddly, focused, and loving. And for a few months after Nico and I broke up, things were great with rev. But of course I knew this time would come, when he would pull away.

And anyway, of course I knew we would go our separate ways for the holidays. It's a given. He's not my boyfriend. I'm not his girlfriend.

Weird, how even 7 1/2 years later, I still have to justify this to myself. It's definitely easier, and better, now that I'm used to it and know what to expect. I don't feel so rejected anymore. I know it's not me. I know it's him. And I know, every second of every day, I have the choice to take it or leave it. Somehow I keep choosing to take it.

This isn't the life I had planned, but this is the life I have.

All that said, though, I could still really use a good hug. *sigh*

alright then

2009-11-16T04:41:52Z

Had a nice evening last night. Went to watch Cake do a reading/signing of his book as part of an SF in SF (Sci Fi in San Fran) event. There was a huge turnout! It was him and one other author, and they were polar opposites - at least in my eyes. The other guy was a literary intellectual type - the kind that adheres strictly to the rules of a particular literary genre (in this case it was, in his word, "Noir") and describes everything to the point of causing the reader (or listener in this case) to forget what he's describing. I like Cake's style MUCH better. The audience liked him too. He got tons of laughs had quite a line of fans in front of him after the event. I'm so proud! :-) And he and I, and Mary and Kai, and Kelly all went out for a drink afterward.

I have to admit, I have a bit of a crush on him. I go through these phases every once in ahwile. When he's single and he's showing off his rockstar status, he's pretty irresistable. Especially since he's so flirty with me.

BUT, I know not to go there. He's one of my closest friends and I know myself well enough to know that I would crush him. I can't even trust myself with strangers these days, let alone friends. I haven't been dating at all. I can't.

But it looks like I may be on a down-swing with rev. Not a single word from him since Friday. I really thought he'd be around this evening. I miss him.

So it is. I will adapt.

silence

2009-11-14T06:08:20Z

It's been really amazing these past couple of months. I've been busy with friends, interviewing for jobs, training for new responsibilities at my current job, and spending a lot of time with r. For awhile, quite awhile, we were seeing each other every night. It's tapered off a bit these past few weeks, and this week I'm really noticing a change. But so far, it's ok. Of course, I know to expect him to pull away at some point. Usually it's very sudden, but this time, thankfully, it's slow and graceful.

And because I could predict this down time would come eventually, I put off doing some things at home during those times when I was fully absorbed by him. I can do those things now. But now I can't remember what I was putting off. I mean, I know there's housework and such, but beyond that, I'm not sure.

It's always a bit strange and uneasy, this coming down. It's similar for me to coming down from ecstacy, although not nearly as intense, and more drawn out. In the throes of the drug, nothing matters, even though I'm aware during the high that I'll have to face coming down eventually. It's like my mind is on vacation in the best place possible. But coming down is a harsh slap of reality. Realizing once again that what I felt was only temporary, and the heavy burdens of life are still waiting for me. But I never regret it.

What I'm facing now is getting reacquainted with myself, with my own mind. It's easy to practice living in the now when the now is about love and cuddling. It's not so easy with lonliness and a heavy heart. I wonder what I should be doing with my time. There are no friends to call, no one online to chat with. Tonight it's just me and the kitties.

But I remember being in this place not too long ago. Just last Spring, before I met Nico, I was very much on my own. There were sewing projects, household projects, closet purges, workouts... it was endless. I craved my alone time. Funny how I got to the point with r where I didn't crave alone time anymore. And here it is.

I'm probably being over dramatic. He's just out with his friends tonight. But he was very strange and evasive in our earlier IM chat. I'm wondering what he's doing with his friends, and if that's going to lead to a lot of time apart again.

Well, if it does, I'll roll with it. I always do.

frazzled

2009-09-29T00:14:08Z

I was doing ok there for awhile. Actually, I was feeling very well.

I mean, there's all this turmoil with my job, but I had gotten to a place where I was at peace with the turmoil. And r had said something rather brilliant to me that helped change my attitude for the better in this matter - he told me to use the fear to light a fire under me rather than bring me down. Great advice. It worked.

I had an interview last Friday and it went well. I'm hoping to hear back tomorrow or Wednesday with an offer. It's not the most exciting workplace, and the commute will be hectic, but it will be great experience for my resume, and right now I can't afford to be picky. There's just not much out there.

But on top of these issues, last week completely disrupted by an ASP.net class, which I took in place of my regular work schedule M-F. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the class and am immensely grateful to my job for sending me (especially since I've been feeling a bit vulnerable and disposable lately), but it's tough getting back to business.

Everything was different last week.

For another thing, I stayed at r's all week. It was really great - saved me a lot of money in commute fees and he was extremely cuddly.

Live it, feel it, learn a lesson, let it go

2009-09-18T06:51:50Z

This is the way I want to live. Ekhart Tolle and Tara Brach both write of becoming the observer of one's own life, of separating the self from one's circumstances. My circumstances are not who I am. How I choose to live in my circumstances helps others form their judgements of me. How I present myself (clothes, hair, attitude), what I say, what I do, my body language, are all elements of how the world perceives me. But these things are still not who I really am.

Something that has been difficult for me to is separate good deeds from random good events and calling them "rewards". It's also been even more difficult to separate bad deeds from random bad events and calling them punishments. After all, who would be doing the rewarding or handing out the punishments? And what about babies who are born into bad circumstances (are they getting punished from the beginning?) or children who are beaten by their parents. And what about the saying "No good deed goes unpunished"? We've all seen it happen. Good samaritans getting sued. The guy helping someone change a tire on a dark freeway getting run over. The only survivor of a bad car accident being the drunk driver who caused it.

It's random.

Control what you can, let go of what you can't.

Whatever upset me at r's last night, well, I've let it go. I know I'm not a whore. I know I cannot trust him to represent me to his friends other than as a whore. So it is. All I can do is demonstrate who I am, and who I am not. I want to be his friend and so that is who I will be. I don't need the sex anyway. And truth be told, it hasn't been that great lately - feels like he thinks he's doing me a favor, which is pretty damn unsexy.

I have things happening in my life right now that have been upsetting me. I have the right to be upset. I have the right to take awhile to gain back my composure. Once I have it, I'm going to keep it, by letting the emotion go and taking action where I can. The only issue is walking the fine line between thinking the situation through and obsessing.

I'll get there. I'm on my way. These tests bring me closer.

have you ever...

2009-09-17T19:04:47Z

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and been bothered by something they said, but not known what exactly it was that they said that offended you and why? This happens to me all the time. Maybe less so as I get older, but it definitely happens. This is one of the primary reasons that I don't fight well. How can I defend myself if I don't know what I'm defending myself from? All I know is I feel bad.

I had a conversation with r last night that left me with such a feeling. He was telling me about a conversation he had with his Burning Man group, Skypie. Apparently they asked him why I gave him all my Burning Man stuff. I was very sleepy at the time of the conversation, so I might have it wrong, but I think what he told me next was that after that, someone asked why after he breaks up with women that they are so nice to him, and that Mac responded "Why do you think?" The idea being, of course, that it's because of the sex.

I'm not sure that this is what was said. But immediately after the conversation, I was noticibly grumpy - he called me out on it, but seemed to assume that it was because I was tired. I had the feeling of being offended, but I wasn't sure why.

I'm still not sure.

I guess I don't like getting grouped in with his other girls he has as hookup buddies. I guess I like to think I'm something more than that. And maybe I feel a little icky about his friends thinking I gave him that stuff just so I could get sex from him. That's pretty offensive, actually.

But then, why did I give it to him? I mean, I think it's because I'm a nice person and I wanted my stuff to go to good use. And maybe I was hoping that it would help me be accepted by his friends, in which case, WOW, did that ever backfire!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sorry that I gave the stuff to him. My intentions, whatever they were, were from the heart. They were genuine. But the backlash saddens me.

And it also reminds me of my place in r's life. Not a friend. Not a lover. As he put it, a "playmate".

Fuck. :-(

The worst part is, I can't even talk to him about it. He will shut me out completely - avoid me for days or maybe even weeks. And that would feel worse.

So I won't say anything. I will let it go.

pseudoephedrine

2009-08-13T21:05:08Z

My miracle drug. I would be a mess without it, no doubt. This, it seems, is the only cure for my excruciating and frequent sinus headaches and accompanying congestion. Sometimes they aren't too bad, but get progressively worse if I don't take meds. Other times, like today, I can actually feel the inflammation as air enters and exits my nose. And the congestion creates pressure behind both ears that makes me want to stick a straw through my ear canals to drain them.

But pseudoephedrine with naproxen is a magical pill. It takes quite awhile to fully take effect - sometimes 2-3 hours, but when it does, I can feel my sinuses opening up. The side effects are pretty strange though.

One of them is extreme scalp sensitivity. I can feel each hair on my head move as someone walks past me or even as I move my head. I get odd "flushes" where I feel almost like I have a chill, but only in my face.

Another is the dryness. This usually starts happening several hours after taking the first dose. My tongue tastes terrible, as if I have the worst breath ever (I'm never sure if I actually have the worst breath ever or not), and I'm perpetually thirsty. So of course, I'm running to the bathroom every 15-20 minutes. Great exercise, I suppose. Sometimes my skin and hair dry out, and my lips get chapped too.

And then, of course, there's the spaciness. I can lose minutes of time, in a stoned haze, staring off into nothing. When I come to, I have no idea where I left off with whatever I was doing. It's frustrating, because it takes many times longer to do the simplest tasks. Some days I'm better at focusing than others. Sometimes this leads to extreme sleepiness. Or sometimes my heart races.

Emotionally, I either get cranky or I'm without emotion. It takes effort to smile and be friendly.

What it all comes down to is that I'd rather be home, cuddling with my cats. This same drug which makes it possible for me to work during a sinus attack, makes me not want to work. Luckily, caffeine can be a great help in this area.

Seriously, though, I don't know how I'd survive without this drug. I wonder if my sinuses have somehow become dependent on it. Is that possible? That my sinuses are so accustomed to having this remedy that they become more easily inflamed?

Well, I'm in the process of working on this with an ENT. Dr. Schindler sent me to get a CT scan, which I did yesterday. Hopefully, he will find something that is treatable.

Meanwhile, I hope the crystal meth-heads stay the heck away from my wonderdrug. There is talk about making it prescription only or taking it off the market all together because it is used to make crystal meth. NOOOOOOOO!

Back where I was before

2009-08-10T23:00:20Z

I had a really nice weekend. Two of my good friends are getting married and had an engagement party Saturday, which was wonderful. Their friends are all such warm, friendly people. It's a joy to be a part of that group. And the engaged couple is one of those that just seems perfect together. I hope they are!

And Sunday I went to see the King Tut exhibit with Toad. WAAAYYY too crowded, and I will never understand why people feel it's necessary to bring their children under 2 years old to museums like that. What are they thinking? The kids are miserable, the other patrons of the museum are miserable - but somehow the parents can ignore the children screaming, running around, pushing, kicking, etc. WTF?! Makes me never want to be a parent.

Anyway.

Went to see r. Sunday evening. We had a really great time hanging out and getting high. I looked at him at one point and was truly amazed at how attracted I still am to him. We've reached a level of comfort with each other now where what we have seems very natural and organic. I'm very aware we are not a couple. I'm very aware that we are not committed. And of course, some part of me wants that from someone - but maybe not from him anymore. I think I've truly accepted him for who he is, and for who he is not. With me, he is not committment guy. Maybe he would be a committment guy with someone else. But I don't take it personally. This acceptance doesn't stop me from wanting a committed relationship someday (although there is a LOT less urgency these days), but it allows me to just sit back and enjoy what we do have. It's pretty sweet, actually. I truly enjoy the time I have with him. Most of the time, anyway.

So I guess, here I am again. I'm more or less stuck in revland. It's not a bad place to be for now.

I would just like to add

2009-08-03T22:28:25Z

... that predictably, now that I'm available, r has disappeared. He's back on coke again, which means I'll hear from him in sporadic bursts. I saw quite a bit of him last week, which was nice. Don't get me wrong, I chatted with him last weekend. But because he was high, he didn't want to see me. So it goes.

Oddly enough, a lot of my social contacts are checking out for the month of August. Sophie and her family are going to New York. Mary is leaving for Finland tomorrow. Ronnie is out on medical leave until 8/18. I'm not sure where Toad is - he hasn't answered an email from last week yet. Jamie and John are going to Legoland and Disneyland. Imma will be heading to Florida soon. r has checked out at the moment, but will be going to Burning Man later this month.

I went from complete chaos in my personal/social life, to almost complete stillness. I have a few things planned this week, but after that, nada.

It'd be nice to spend a little time with r about now. But then, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? He likes to come around when it's most inconvenient. Maybe if I had a new boyfriend, he would be back.

single

2009-08-03T18:42:54Z

I'm not sure if I wrote about this yet or not, but I broke up with Nico last Monday. I was scared to death to actually do the breakup talk. I knew I was going to break up with him first thing Monday morning, and I didn't see him until 9:45pm Monday night, so there was a lot of time (too much time!) for me to think about what I was going to say. And I was terrified of telling him about r and I had no idea how he would react.

But it was all fine. In fact, he was pretty cool about it. He was obviously in shock and ended up staying over (as was planned), and everything was fine until the next morning. Then he started laying into me about how if I don't change this and that that I'll never find love. Ok. I let him say all that stuff, but it sucked.

He contacted me here and there during the week - just one liners and such. I always responded. I had a momentary lapse of reason Tuesday morning and said maybe I'd feel differently after a few weeks, but I know now that will not happen. He called yesterday and I was able to tell him that then, which is great, because I think that gave him closure.

I almost wish I could say I feel bad, but I do not. The only thing I feel bad about is that I cheated. I wish that hadn't happened, but it did. I forgive myself. I mean, by the time that happened, I knew it was going to end with Nico. I should have ended it then, but I don't know, I guess I thought I might be able to turn things around somehow. I was very wrong about that!

r helped me break it off without any emotional pain on my side. None. I know I should feel bad for hurting Nico, but I don't. I mean, I wish he didn't have to hurt, but I don't feel any guilt there. It's very strange!

Best of all, though, I feel like myself again. I feel like each moment is mine. I feel like I am 100% my own person, with my own problems to face and solve. There are no relationship problems on top of my own to work on. Fuck that. It's me. Just me. 100% me.

I am so happy! I have evenings and weekend days to myself again. I have time to cuddle with my kitties. I can call my friend Lynne on the weekends. I don't have to constantly struggle with meals out, worrying about the fat and calories and resulting weight gain. I have control over my life again!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

There are some things I will miss though. Of course it was nice to have that extra layer of security, especially financial security, with Nico. And also it was great to get dressed up and go on dates. I really love that, and I will miss it a lot. But the price was too high. I lost myself. I lost my time.

It's weird, but I still have a bit of a pull to find the "right" relationship, the "right" guy. But now I'm wondering, more than ever, if I'm just better as I am. Just me. Single. By myself. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

Better than perfect, except...

2009-07-08T00:45:40Z

It's been a couple of months now, that N and I have been together. He's great. Really, really great. My friends all love him and he seems to like hanging with my friends. He's so generous that I actually have to stop him from spending too much on me. He loves to cook for me and pamper me. I like hanging out with him. And he always wants to spend more time with me. Could not be more opposite of R!

The only thing is, the sex. It could be a lot worse, I know. But it's not good. He can only maintain an erection in one position, and that position does nothing for me. We have tried other positions, but he just doesn't stay hard. He's always willing to give me an orgasm manually or orally, but neither is really what I want. I want an orgasm with him inside me. I want to feel that connection. Plus, oral is difficult for me. I need to maintain a level of focus and concentration that I'm usually not up to when I'm tired or groggy, which is my usual state when I'm in bed. I start off pretty good, but then my mind wanders to my grocery list or what I need to get done at work the next day. When I bring my attention back to what he's doing, I have to start all over as far as working towards an orgasm. It's difficult.

I'm at the point now where I dread going to bed. He wants sex at night AND in the morning AND occasionally, he will wake me up during the night for more. It's great that he has such an appetite, but absolutely sucks that he's got one trick and that trick isn't working for me.

And of course, that was the ONE thing that ALWAYS worked for R and me. And of course R is standing there waiting for me to say I'll cheat with him. Well, he's not even just standing there - at times he's pursuing me.

FUCK!

What am I supposed to do? Yes, yes, I know. Duh. The right thing is stay faithful to N. The wrong thing is to cheat with r. But I'm dying here. My sexuality is such a huge part of me. How am I supposed to just let that go?

But I adore N. He is so wonderful to me - I don't think anyone could be better. I feel like a princess. And he's very financially sound. And he's sweet. And he loves me.

Can I give up sex for love? Will I?

predictable freakout

2009-05-19T06:33:55Z

Things have been going extraordinarily well with Nicolas. He really likes me, there is no question. And I like him.

But I am terrified. I am scared that his lack of experience, and the way he's jumping headfirst into this makes me responsible for his feelings. I don't want to be responsible for breaking his heart, for breaking him. At the same time, it's so nice that he shows his interest, that there are no guessing games.

What's funny is, I'm actually scared of getting scared! Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy - it doesn't get moreso than that!

How do I let go of this fear? How? I know it is sabotage! I know it's what keeps anyone from getting close to me.

Ok. I guess the first part of the answer is to calm down and examine the origin of my fear. What is the worst thing I envision happening? Well... the worst I see happening is that I let him get all attached to me, and then I lose all interest and have to break his heart. I don't want to do that!

But he has some great things going for him. He is social and goes out without me. Fantastic. He's very smart. He has that sexy accent. And I actually think he's pretty cute.

But yeah, I'd be lying if I said his lack of experience doesn't freak me out. It does. I know he might be terrible in bed. I guess he couldn't be much worse than Michael - Mr. Cum-before-he-gets-inside - but I REALLY don't want to go through anything like that again! I felt like a slutty asshole breaking up with him because of sex, but it was really bad! And wow, that would be horrifically disappointing if N was like that. Just horrific! It's so nice now. Why ruin what we have now with sex?

And then also, he might get super-attached after sex. Well, I guess he kinda is already super-attached. But it could get much worse.

It's so nice to be dating someone, though. So nice. It's nice to be once of those couples you see walking down a street together with their arms around each other. It's wonderful to feel cared-for. And yet, terrifying. So odd.

anxiety returns?

2009-05-11T18:57:05Z

I have noticed, and I think even discussed here, that I had been living in a perpetual state of anxiety from the time of early childhood until recently. The change is amazing. I didn't notice it at first, I think, because it went away so gradually. And then one day I realized that I genuinely felt ok, good. I was better able to enjoy the moment because I felt good. I had always had a tightness in my chest before. I'd always felt insecure. I had always felt like a fraud and that eventually I'd be found out.

But at some point, I realized that I was sitting still, nothing going on, and I was ok. And it was wonderful. And I started realizing this more and more. It's been truly amazing to live life this way. I can pay attention better. I can learn more easily. I'm more present for my friends. I don't have a constant nagging feeling that I have to run and hide.

But now...

Well, now, I have potential relationship anxiety. I want to be with Nicolas. I want to feel the way I felt when I was with him. I am nervous about waiting for our next date. I want to fast-forward to the time when we are 100% comfortable with each other, when we see each other all the time.

Yes, I know it's great that I feel this way. Especially given my history! But it is torture sitting here wondering when he will call, wondering when I'll see him again. I guess the good news is that I am fairly certain I WILL see him again! Dammit, though, I want to know when that will be.

Not soon enough. I am ready NOW!

fireworks

2009-05-10T07:24:29Z

Today was Kaboom (with Susan & Barry, Nancy, Mary, Michelle, and Ruth). Yesterday was my 2nd date with Nicolas. He called me before I hit the save button on my last entry and asked me out for yesterday. It was magical.

We went to Roots restaurant on Grant and Bush (who knew there was a restaurant there?) and were the only 2 customers there. There was a foursome at another table when we first arrived, but they left. Our waitress was a bit odd, and she was all over us. The wine was ok. The cheese was ok. But we were enamored with each other, to the point that time flew by. We arrived at the restaurant at around 8pm. Next thing we knew, the restaurant was closed and there we were. The same thing happened at Lavanda in Palo Alto Monday night.

After Roots, we went to the skyroom at the Marriott for a drink. Nicolas spotted the perfect table, in a corner up against the window, but behind a beam which gave us privacy. I remember setting my purse down, and I remember the waitress coming twice to ask about our order, but we hadn't looked at the menu. The third time she came by, we ordered wines that were delicious. He got a sparkling white from Mumm. I got a Pinot - I can't remember the winery - Estancia? It seemed like we were only there 15 minutes when we were told it was last call, and soon afterward the bright lights came on. We were puzzled. I looked at my watch - it was after 1am! How could that be?

When we walked back to his car (at Stockton Sutter garage) he kissed me while we waited for a traffic light to change. It was wonderful, perfect, and I didn't want it to end. Such a perfect night! And he drove me home and kissed me goodnight in the car.

I wish there was some way to remember the feeling, to catalog it and come back to it later. It's so very unusual for me to swoon in this way, and to have my date swoon too. Something is happening here, I know it. Sure, I need to be cautious given my history, but it feels so nice, so natural. He treats me like a lady. He shows up on time, dresses nice, pays attention, and pays the check without question. He's an engineer, obviously a good one for Cisco to move him here from France, but he has the soul of an artist. The way he tastes and describes wine, his photographs, his love for cooking, his eye for beauty all indicate the creativity inside. These, along with his French accent, make him irresistable!

I want to know when I will see him next, but I know not to push it. I can wait. But I'd rather not.

These are the days to remember. This is the time to cherish. Love starts here. Queue the fireworks.

Finally! A guy I actually like! But...

2009-05-07T00:36:36Z

I've had 2 "blind" dates in the past week, and both were pretty good.

First, on Saturday, was Harley. From his pictures on Ok Cupid, he looked exactly like my friend Steve, who I've always found attractive (he's married now). He's a C++ programmer (like Steve!) and seemed soft-hearted, intelligent, well-read, and sweet. We met up Saturday evening in SF and had a really nice walk through the Embarcadero and up the Coit Tower Stairs and then through North Beach before having a drink at Vesuvio and then heading back to the Metreon. I very much enjoyed our conversation and felt very at ease with him. But I wasn't very attracted - turns out he didn't look much like Steve at all, but oddly enough, he did look like his pictures. Not sure what's up with that.

I had to end that date early because my brother and his wife were driving to my place from LA and I needed to get back to meet them there. They were waiting at the door when I arrived. Oops. Great to see them though! They are still at my place now.

Monday I met Nicolas. And wow. I'm blown away. He's not the best looking guy in the world, nor the most charming, but I instantly was attracted. Was it his accent? His engineering degree? His je ne sais qua? I dunno. But I had a great time and couldn't stop talking. But he clearly enjoyed the conversation. We closed down the restaurant. I ended the date on embarrassment that we were the last ones in there. There was a European cheek kiss kiss goodbye, but that's it. He emailed me as soon as he got home. It was all I could do to wait until the next day to write him back!

And so it has gone, he writes me right away, and I wait, at least a few hours, usually several hours, to write him back. It's obvious he is interested. But...

WHY isn't he asking me out again? Why why why?! Men, tell me what causes this phenomenon! At least I'm not sitting home waiting for a phone call, true enough, but come ON. Well, ok, it's only been a couple of days and I told him that my brother and his wife are here. But I also made a point to tell him that they will be going to Sonoma for a few days and I will miss them. HINT HINT

Ok, I know. Patience. That is one area I do not excel in. In this case, though, I have no choice. Such is the life of a single female in the dating game.

But the good news is, if nothing else, I actually met someone I LIKE and I actually have CHEMISTRY with him. It is possible!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned...

magellaniccloud @ 2009-04-27T16:59:00

2009-04-28T00:35:52Z

I am agitated today. I just happened to realize that I'm exactly 1 week out from my period, so that's probably at least part of it. But part of my stress is due to a stupid guy.

James is from chemistry.com. We started emailing last week and had 1 telephone conversation which went really well, but then I left for Florida. We reconnected via email this week and chatted on the phone a couple of times. We agreed to have dinner tonight. But then, when it came time to decide on a location, that's when things went awry.

He lives in SF but won't eat anywhere in the City because it's too hard to park. He wanted me to choose a location in South San Francisco. There really isn't anything here. Not like SF. Sure, there are a few dives and a couple of mediocre restaurants, but who wants to eat in a dive or a mediocre place on the first date? I tried to tell him this, but he wasn't accepting it. He basically put it on my shoulders to find a place. I'm irritated, to say the least. When I explained that there was a Thai place nearby, but it's mediocre at best, and an italian place that's very overpriced, he said "oh, you must be one of those foodie types. I really don't get you people". Great. Asshole.

I did happen to think of a sushi place, though, that's pretty good. Not as good as places in SF, mind you, but it's passable. So I texted him the name of the place and sent a follow-up email through chemistry.com. He texted back asking for my real email addy. I sent it to him, and then... nothing. I waited and waited for him to confirm the time, but there was nothing. For hours. Finally, I got a voicemail from him saying that he sent an email but wasn't sure if I got it. True enough, it was in my spam folder. Ok then.

I fucking hate dating. Every time I get my hopes up, I am slammed down by disappointment. Why the fuck can't a guy plan a date? How hard can that be? He doesn't want to eat in SF? Fine. Find another location. It's not rocket science.

I'm reminded of my friend's 5 year old son, who, when I ask him to pick up his toys he says "no, you do it" and walks away. This is exactly the kind of attitude I'm picking up from this guy. It's cute in a 5 year old. Not so cute in a 39 year old man.

The point is, I just want to be valued and treated with respect. Is that too much to ask? I have worked HARD to become the girl that I am now. Really hard! Fuck it. I'll get a free meal outta him (hopefully) and not see him again. I don't want to waste any more time.

There are a couple of other guys in the hopper. I have a feeling that one of them, Harley, has met someone else. He's very slow to respond these days and he wouldn't commit to a day to meet. Another one, Nicolas, is communicating via chemistry and the ball is currently in his court. We'll see where it goes. He lives in San Jose, though. Drag! But you know, for the right guy, maybe I could do San Jose. Maybe. Let's see if he has a clue.

Then Kerry's friend Marc emailed me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I'd be interested in Sharks playoffs tickets. Um, hell yeah! He's definitely a tall, good looking guy, but he didn't have much to say at Kerry's party - might be tough to talk with. But you never know. He for sure doesn't strike me as a player. Wouldn't it be nice to date someone in the circle of friends, that circle in particular?

Then there's another guy, who has a sailboat, on okcupid. He's my type physically, totally, but I think I might let that one go since one of his questions of importance on okcupid was regarding bdsm. I sure as hell don't want to go there! That, and his profile says he "drinks often". yowza. I don't need that either!

This is the dating pool I'm left with. The good news is, I'm not desperate. If I'd rather be home with a book and a warm bath, so be it. Except tonight, dammit, I committed to this. Hopefully it will be short.

*sigh*

The right guy is out there. I know it. I will be in love sooner than I know.

Ugh.

2009-04-15T22:24:04Z

So I just went to return a purse to Nordstroms, and not only would the guy at the counter not take it back, he made me feel icky about trying. Nordstroms has always had an awesome return policy in the past - you could return anything anytime for any reason - but obviously that changed. Or maybe it was just this guy.

Of course, he's a GUY working in women's purses in a department store. Lame. Would I date a GUY who worked in women's purses at Nordstrom's? Nope. A job like that is automatic friend-zone.

That just sucks, you know? He pretty much blatently told me he didn't trust me. Well, fuck him. I don't trust him either. Asshole.

This is what people do to each other - they make each other feel small.

I'm bigger than that, though. Better. I won't let it bother me. Let him feel icky.

one down

2009-04-15T00:39:54Z

So I heard from Christopher, a guy I had a meet-n-greet with last week, this morning. Seems he met someone else and is persuing her. He wrote a nice email though.

Sure, I'm disappointed, but I had some misgivings about him anyway. He didn't have anything nice to say about his parents. And he was kind of a headcase. He sure was cute, though! Dang. *sigh* Oh, well.

There are a few others in the hopper, though. I just gave a guy, James, my phone number. And there are a couple of guys on Ok Cupid that I've been emailing. One of them looks exactly like Steve - a total cutie. The other has a cat in kidney failure - something I'm all too familiar with!

Anyway, it's nice to be excited about this dating stuff. Christopher told me in his last email that I should really get new pictures because he said only picture #9 really looked like me now. He has a point, but I am SO not photogenic! Maybe I'll hire a professional. Would be nice to have some current professional pics anyway, especially given the shape I'm in.

Ugh. The Steve-lookalike and I have been exchanging emails but he's not asking me any questions about me. So, is this a red flag that he's not that into me? Or is he simply a clueless engineer who doesn't know basics about holding a conversation? I dunno. But it's annoying.

I'm meeting the other guy Thursday. Hooray! A Date! Too funny that the guy's name is Clark. Toad is down in Texas at this very moment visiting the only other guy I've ever heard of with the name Clark. I swear, with the dating thing, I get stuck on certain names - I'll hear from 5 guys named George or Ray all at once. What's up with that? Do I attribute that to "The Secret"? Because I'm thinking of the name Clark another guy named Clark pops into my life? Weird. I've never met another guy who calls himself "rev" though and I've thought about him a lot over the years. So I guess that doesn't hold true.

It's kinda funny... now that I'm ready, I'm actually getting a bit antsy. I want someone NOW dammit. I'm impatient. Can't the universe see that I'm finally ready? Bring him on!

Ok...off to dinner with Mary. Her boyfriend had an excuse which he emailed to me about his profile being on an online dating site. I still have to tell her he was there, though. Argh. Men suck.

Hopefully this James character will call after I get home from dinner...

Oh NO! no, no, no, no, no!

2009-04-13T23:59:02Z

So, at a boring moment here at work, I go online to one of the dating sites I use, and run a quick search for my "matches". The first 2 I've seen before and have already nixed. Third one isn't my type. But the forth one...he looks familiar.

OH MY GOD!!! It's my friend Mary's live-in boyfriend!!! Last I heard (about 2 weeks ago) his job was temporarily transferring him to Finland and when he comes back, they'll get married. WTF?!

I scanned over his profile in disbelief, looking for any evidence that it wasn't him, but it is DEFINITELY him. Last activity date: April 7. Today is April 13. Fucking hell.

They've been together about 3 years. In Mary's previous LTR, her then-boyfriend dumped her for her best friend. She was so devasted that she suffered a horrible depression and even suffered a breakdown months later. How the hell am I supposed to tell her about this? I HAVE to tell her.

I am praying that she already knows. Maybe they have some kind of agreement that I don't know about. It seems tremendously unlikely, but you never know.

I am so upset I can't focus on work at all. Luckily, there's not a whole lot to do today. A couple of minor tickets that I knocked out quickly, but so far, at least, no major thinking tasks. My heart has been racing. I want to throw up and eat everything in sight at the same time.

Major, major anxiety.

What a fucking PIG!

Seriously makes me grateful for rev. I mean, yeah, rev is definitely not mr. perfect, but at least he's honest! Brutally, brutally honest, but he tells me when he get the urge to hook up with someone else. I don't have to hear it from my girlfriends!

FUCK!

And men wonder why women are bitter and suspicious.

Suddenly I'm reminded of my fitness trainer, who complains of his girlfriend's jealousy one minute, and tells me he needs a girlfriend on the side the next minute. I tell him he's a pig to his face. It doesn't phase him.

And I sent him an email from the website and Mr. Clueless hasn't responded, nor has he taken down his profile. Maybe his notifications are going to his spam folder.

There is always the possibility that he forgot about his profile there. Except that it shows that he logged in last week. I'm not sure how to explain that.

So lonely, so ready

2009-04-13T18:37:32Z

Lately I've been waking up with a not-so-good feeling. I'm not sure how to describe it. I just feel icky in my chest area - clearly an emotional thing, clearly unpleasant. Lonliness? Maybe. Anxiety? Maybe a little, but not a lot. Trepidation? No, life is good in general and I still look forward to each day. Sadness? Definitely not. I think this is a different flavor of lonliness than I'm used to, because I don't feel needy. But I do feel a longing. Yes, longing is a good word.

I miss the routine that rev and I had going in January, when I was seeing him almost every night. I miss being held at night. I miss being cared for. He's been strange lately, even for him. The other night on IM, he wouldn't even give me a virtual hug, and I'm definitely not seeing him very often.

Who knows what is up with him? All I know is, I need some consistency. Even though I know the routine with him, that he cycles through being "in" with me and being "out", it still bothers me. I'm used to it, but it bothers me.

I just want to be loved.

I'm putting myself out there a bit more than ususal. I had that date with Christopher last week, and I've been communicating with a couple of others. Nothing's moving as quickly as I'd like, though, and I'm going out of town for this weekend and half of next week. I'm ready now.

The good news is, I'm looking my best these days. I have a great new haircut and my body is in the best shape it's been in years. I also have some great clothes. People are responding to me differently. I feel more confident.

I shouldn't be alone. I shouldn't have any trouble finding a guy. But it feels damn near impossible. Corinnna found one, though. Mary found one. Should be my turn, I'm thinking.

And in case you're wondering, I have long given up hope on rev ever coming around. I know he doesn't love me like I need him to. I know the last thing in the world that he wants is a "normal" relationship with me. It may be because I blew it by sleeping with him too early in the relationship. He has never respected me. But regardless of the "why", it is what it is. This relationship is not going to change. I'm not upset about that. I've come to terms with it. And until now, I haven't felt like I could separate from him.

But dang, I need to get laid! He's not putting out anymore, even when I do see him. It's time for the next thing. The time is now.

I don't feel so good

2009-04-11T15:49:15Z

I had an unsettling dream this morning, and it's left me feeling a bit off. I'm not going to repeat the dream here because I want to forget it.

In any case, it's left me feeling lonely and a bit sad. Though in the vast majority of my life I feel pretty good, I do have these bouts of intense lonliness. There's a tightness in my chest and I feel like I need to curl up to protect it. Curling up helps a little. Having the kitties here helps a little too. But I still feel lonely and a bit insecure, too.

It's times like this when I think I really need to date. I need a boyfriend. I need to feel loved. rev has been predictably unreliable these days. But even when he is available to cuddle, it wears on me a bit that sure, I can share his bed and snuggle up to him, but he doesn't want to spend any time during the day with me. He doesn't want to be my boyfriend. Still. After almost 7 years.

And the thing is, I want to go on a DATE. I want to wear a dress and go to dinner. I want a man I like to come and pick me up and take me to dinner. I don't remember the last time that happened. rev hates it when I dress up.He really hates it.

So.

What to do? Troll around the online dating sites again? I don't know any other way anymore. I ask my friends to set me up and they all claim to know no one. It's frustrating.

But I also have a lot of fear around dating. Fear that I won't be able to open up. Fear that I'll be rejected. Being rejected and alone is worse than being lonely, right? I dunno.

Maybe that's why I like kids and animals so much - the risk of being rejected is very low.

The thing is, I'm at my best right now. There's no better time to market myself. I weigh less than I have in years, I have great clothes and a great haircut. My financial situation is stable. I think I've finally got a handle on taking care of myself.

I just don't know how to start.