bitterness
135 on the scale today.

Fuck.

I worked harder last week, exercise-wise, than I have in years. Monday was a light day (only burned a bit over 500 Cals), but the rest of the week I kicked butt. On Friday and Saturday, I burned over 800 each day. I burned 750 yesterday.

Granted, I had a few "off-plan" eating days - Tuesday (rev's) and Wednesday(New Years) weren't recorded, and yesterday I only tracked half the day. But I didn't go nuts. No big desserts except the ice cream at rev's. And on New Years, most of the snacks were very healthy, but I did have a few slices of thin-crust pizza.

So am I not able to splurge on a few pieces of pizza and a little ice cream once in awhile, being that I'm working out like a high-school athlete? I realize I'm getting older and my metabolism is not the same, but damn.

I feel like my body is at war with me. I'm exhausted, I have a cold, and I'm hungry. And now I'm grouchy, too, knowing that with all that work, I GAINED weight. WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

I know, I know. "Muscle weighs more than fat", "it's normal to have fluctuations - keep your eye on the long-term", it's 1 week before my period and I'm probably retaining water, I should be paying attention to my measurements and how my clothes fit, etc, etc etc.

Yes, yes.

My clothes are fitting much better. I'm well on my way into size 4 now. And these pants I'm wearing today, that I've only worn once before, are already too big. And my fitness level has definitely improved! I'm able to do more now than I ever have. I'm working out longer at much higher levels. And I've been getting to the gym EVERY SINGLE DAY. That alone is major.

I want the reward from the scale, too, though. It's like taking a class, doing all the homework, coming to every session, learning the material backwards and forwards, and still getting a D.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Part of the frustration, of course, is that I'm very close to goal. I've been between 8 and 10 pounds from goal for several weeks now. And being this close to goal, I'm pretty happy with the way I look, but I just want to be DONE.

And of course, I'm hungry. I just want to eat what I want when I want to eat it, dammit. It doesn't help that I'm also quite bored at work. Very bored. And I want a nap.

Some sex would be nice too. And some affection. Not getting either - rev is back in his cave and seems only interested in back door stuff and keeping me up late, which screws up my sleep since I get up early to go to the gym.

He's probably sleeping right now.

Must be fucking nice.

Maybe he'll have a cheeseburger for me too. I'll gain the weight for him, no problem.