stability
I was thinking this morning, while driving between errands, back to my days in university. Specifically, I was thinking about a history class that I absolutely hated and I think I ultimately failed it. I remember freaking out the night before a paper was due, and just deciding it wasn't worth it. It has always bothered me that I had trouble in classes like that. But that was after Jay's death. Not the same semester, but I was still emotionally very unstable. And actually, I was emotionally unstable before Jay's death as well.

I remember clearly how difficult, nearly impossible, it was to focus during lectures in my college years. Actually, my freshman year I did very well grade-wise. I did well first semester too, before Jay's suicide at the beginning of second semester. But the truth is, I was having trouble even then. And I can trace those concentration issues back to high school.

I felt emotionally bad all the time. Constantly. So much so that I didn't realize it wasn't normal to feel that way. It was a constant battle for me to put those horrible feelings of anxiety aside long enough to absorb the lesson in whatever class I was in. I did best in classes where I didn't have to study, didn't have to pay attention, but could figure things out later. Hence my Computer Science major.

My transcripts never told the full story. I had to work twice as hard to do half as well as other students. I'm not dumb and I certainly wasn't then. In fact, I was probably smarter than most - getting by with the little bandwidth I had left after processing all that was happening to me personally and emotionally.

I've often wondered how well I would have done if I had gone to college in the state of mind I'm in now. If my UC Berkeley Extension transcript says anything, well, I'm a straight A student - and not just in computer classes. I do well in everything I take. I can do it now. I can focus in a 3 hour lecture. I can read the textbooks without succumbing to racing emotional thoughts of anxiety. I can focus on test questions. It's a different story now.

So anyway, this morning, I was thinking about all of this, and I was thinking about how difficult it is now for me to step outside the world that I've created for myself to do things like date. I feel like I have my world under control now, and dating is scary and unpredictable. I don't know if I can handle the instability of the emotions that go with dating. I don't know that I want to go there.

Add to that that I'm getting older and more drawn to my routine. I've found happiness in my routine and in my solitude. So much so, in fact, that I see my friends less and less.

Is this wrong? Am I turning into a hermit?

The thing is, I realize that over-scheduling myself with friends is not only uncomfortable, but it pulls me away from spending valuable time with myself, being myself. I wonder how people like Susan do it, scheduling 3 friend dates in a given day. More and more, I'm finding that I just want to sit home in my pjs and not talk to anyone, have no commitments, just be.

That said, tonight I am lonely. Rev is high and therefore doesn't want to see me. I haven't seen him for a few days and would really love to be held. And tomorrow night is a "school" night. Staying over at his place during the week is killing me sleep-wise - he doesn't go to bed until after midnight and I'm up at 6:30 to head to the gym. He can nap all day - I have to go to work. The lack of sleep catches up with me and I end up being grouchy and unproductive. It's not good.

Yeah, I know, I need a real boyfriend. But how do I get one without dating? I was really hoping that Jamie, who I went out with once before xmas, would contact me, but I've heard nothing. I am reluctant to start up communication with anyone else. I just don't want to deal with it.

I don't like the lonliness of my current state, but I really do love the stability.

Dammit. I wish I could just get some cuddles from rev. Then it would be ok. *sigh*